i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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