i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize