I wish you could order shots online.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
