The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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