do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
