I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize