tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
