I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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