I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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