i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
