Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
