Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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