Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
