it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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