I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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