Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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