i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
