Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
