Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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