My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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