When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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