i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
