I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize