I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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