Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
