Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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