now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
