so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
