you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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