Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
