First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
