What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
