Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize