I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
not ubering you a puppy
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
