I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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