My hand turned me down
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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