I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
