You're my little dorito
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
