We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
