I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
