so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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