She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
