when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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