Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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