A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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