life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
