Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
