I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
