Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
