Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
