The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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