What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
