ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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