Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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