Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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