Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
